When Ignorance Is Not Bliss. Not Being Prepared When Your Significant Other Dies

A patient of mine returned to the office after two months of not being seen. I had only seen her once, before and I didn't know why she stopped coming in for visits after that. I left messages on her answering machine but did not receive any return call, and now here she sits in my office today.

As you can imagine, my first question was simple, "Where have you been and are you okay?" Her reply was a flood of tears. And so today I write this article hoping that her story will help you.

What happened was that she went to sleep, woke up the next day, and went downstairs only to find her husband sitting in his favorite chair, dead. Gone forever.

His book of life is closed, and now the patient will begin a new but unwelcome chapter in her life. He died of a severe heart attack, aneurysm, or stroke.

The problem is that he didn't expect to die and had not given his wife any information either about his passwords or about his business, insurance, and bank accounts. It turns out that he did not own the commercial property that housed his business; he had two business credit lines that were tied to his (now her) residence, and he had other property and land with mortgage notes that needed to be met monthly.

Here's what you need to know. Life happens and death happens. Death is a touchier subject, much more than life, but it's a part of life. This article isn't a discussion about heaven or hell--it's an article about those you leave behind.

You need to prepare for that final dirt nap. If you are married or have a soul mate, he/she should know about passwords, bank accounts, business deals and obligations, loans, and how to access your life insurance.

To avoid the situation my patient experienced I recommend the following action steps:

1. Copy all your passwords down and keep them in files. Make sure your significant other knows how to access these files.

2. If you are married or have a significant other, there is no reason to hide your business deals or obligations. Make sure your significant other knows whom you are obligated to pay and who owes you money.

3. Consider working with an attorney to set up a trust to protect your assets. Many people are creating family trusts for further financial protection.

4. Create a living will. Although some people may consider death a morbid subject, you should ideally create a living will where directives are given regarding keeping you alive. Some folks just can't let go. What they don't realize is how it affects family members and how much it will cost. You should discuss with your significant other how you feel about medication and procedures to keep you alive.

5. Create directives on where you want your belongings to go. If possible, create a DVD listing your directives and give a copy to your attorney.

6. If you don't have life insurance, consider purchasing a plan for your family. The benefit amount should cover your house, your significant other's lifestyle and children's lifestyle, college education for the children, and funeral arrangements (the average cost for a basic funeral is $5000-10,000).

7. If you know where you want to be buried and you have the money, consider purchasing your gravesite and stone now. Think how much easier it will be for your loved one that he/she will not have to worry about that part.

8. Introduce your significant other to your banker, CPA, and attorney. Let's hope your marriage is a full disclosure marriage.

9. A smart investment to purchase is long-term health care insurance. This particular insurance product should be purchased as soon as you can afford it, even if you are in your 30s. The younger you purchase this insurance product the cheaper the cost. Long-term insurance helps pay for the care you need when you can no longer care for yourself. It can protect your family's financial future and your own investments and savings. I have had the opportunity to see what can happen to a family and their finances without long-term care insurance. Most people do not think that disease and dysfunction will occur in their lives at an early age, but as we all know, life doesn't always work according to our plans. Can you imagine the difficulty you would face if you had to take care of a loved one who was really sick? Do you think you could bathe your parent or significant other? I know you would like to say "yes." But do you think you could, physically or mentally? Do you think you could quit your job and provide care around the clock? Do you think you have the psychological capability to diaper one of your parents? Or, worse yet, would you want one of your children cleaning your behind or putting a diaper on you? It truly would not be fair to them. It would be very taxing physically, mentally, and financially. With this type of insurance you or your family members will not have to provide this type of care personally. This insurance will also help with nursing facility care. Take a closer look at this type of insurance. I suggest purchasing it when you are young because you'll get a better rate. The premium rises exponentially as you get older.

10. And for those left behind, get help for yourself and your family especially if you have kids. Seek bereavement counseling. It is difficult to lose a loved one. I never believe time heals--I just believe you adapt to the situation.

Marcel Proust, the French novelist most famous for his work Remembrance of Things Past, once said, "We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance."

Last but not least, end every night with an "I love you," for you never know what tomorrow will bring.

Dr. Michael J. Kaye has been a practicing Chiropractor over the last 18 years. He holds a post-graduate degree in Rehabilitation. His practice focuses on treatment for the chronic and post-surgical patient. He has published articles on post-surgical knee rehabilitation; and chronic myofascial pain syndrome. He has developed a web site www.frompaintopersonalgain.com devoted to health, wealth and happiness. His coaching site is www.coachinggps.com Contact the author, Michael Kaye , at mijokye@comcast.net.